Monday, August 1, 2011

What to Wear: Post Apocalypse Edition

In Hollywood nothing smells like blockbuster more than a dystopian, post-apocalyptic world inhabited by some sort of cannibal.  I mean really, feel good movie of the year.

In reality I’m not sure how the world will end.  Maybe a comet, maybe zombies, maybe man’s struggle against his own baser instincts, or maybe Rise of the Planet of the Apes is horrible foreshadowing of what is actually to come.  A plea to James Franco: I know you like school and all but for the love of all that is holy do not get another graduate degree in Primatology.  My heart can’t take it.

Stop getting graduate degrees!  You make me feel lazy.

Oh it’s all in good fun Franco.  If I were sitting on the Board of a University I’d insist on inviting you to serve as a visiting professor in Stoner Comedies, the course would fall under Department Head Tommy Chong’s Stoner Studies concentration.  Why is Tommy Chong the Department Head instead of Cheech?  Simple, I’ve not yet forgiven Cheech for this: 

Back to the end times though, there will be NO new shoes created after the apocalypse.  This is a sad but true fact and the sooner we all come to terms with it the sooner we can fully prepare.  How do we prepare?  By hoarding shoes of course.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but my current job will be obsolete during the end times.  I just don’t see a need for stationery after the apocalypse.  Even if Kevin Costner decides to restore the Postal Service are we really gonna worry about our stationery suites having our monogram engraved on them?  Probably not.

Because of this I’ve been thinking I need to appear as though I’m handy so that I can join a rag tag group of survivors even if my only non-stationery related skills pertain to the unclogging of sinks and getting my larger dog to sit on his haunches for a treat (harder than it sounds, the large dog is pretty dim-witted).

Seriously, my dogs wouldn’t even make it to being shot with a crossbow.  They’d probably die from merely having to walk more than one mile.  Lazy dogs.

To appear to be handier than I am I would buy these pre-roughed up boots by VPL

I’d claim to have found them, I lost the laces in a battle with cannibals and I chopped off the toes myself because the shoes were slightly too small for me.  How did I get the seaming so straight?  Um, I also stole a sewing machine that’s how.  Now stop asking me questions, aren't there more pressing issues like opportunistic cannibals with heavy artillery?!

Though, if the apocalypse is the result of a nuclear war then my toes would get pretty cold in the nuclear winter.  Maybe these 3 strap boots from Fiorentini Baker would be a better idea.

Worn over some army green fatigues I’d look fabulous AND capable.  Surely any group of survivors would be happy to take me on.

Should all else fail, well, let’s face it; they don’t call it the oldest profession in the world for nothing.

These Talon Heels from Rodarte x Nicholas Kirkwood would be perfect.

What will you be wearing during the end times?

1 comment:

  1. The Rodarte shoes look like they could spring out of someone's chest a la Alien!