Thursday, September 15, 2011

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away

If you have any technical issues that require a geek’s touch, I suggest you contact your IT department today. Why? Because tomorrow, for the first time ever, Star Wars The Complete Saga will be available for purchase on bluray.

What’s this mean for your computer problems? Well, no geek in their right mind is going to be able to troubleshoot whilst busily taking to the internet to dissect every misstep George Lucas makes retelling the Star Wars story in this new high definition medium. I mean already on Amazon it has over 1,000 user reviews and an average of 2 stars BEFORE it’s been released!

Yes, we get it, Han shot first!

Star Wars is the story of a galaxy in the midst of a civil war. The story begins with members of the rebel alliance (the good guys) stealing the plans to the Death Star, a big-ass weapon capable of taking out an entire planet.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know the story, but do you know the story as told with shoes? I didn’t think so. Prepare yourself.

So, after a screen of scrolling words flashes at you giving you background you’ll probably forget in about five minutes anyway, a rebel leader, Princess Leia is frantically trying to send a message.

Leia is pretty kick ass, if she were to wear heels, I could totally see her in these pumps from Ruthie Davis. Look, the heel even looks like it has some nuts and bolts that got stuck to it when she was wading around in garbage compactor 3263827 on the Death Star!

Anywhoodle, Leia is trying to upload a video to YouTube give a distress signal to R2D2, a R2-series astromech droid, and not, as previously thought, a trash can.

If I had R2D2 here to give his opinion on these Versace Color Block Suede and Leather Pumps I’m sure he’d enthusiastically agree that they are beep bop doop bop.

The message she gives to R2D2 is intended for Obi Wan Kenobi.

Like all peace-loving hippies Jedi, I’m sure Obi Wan would love a pair of Birkenstocks.

Unfortunately for Leia, the message goes on a bit of detour as R2D2 is on a ship attacked by an Imperial Star Destroyer led by Darth Vader.

See how the patent leather vader shoes have red light saber heels? Awesome. I could not wear these peep toe pumps from Gianmarco Lorenzi without humming the Imperial March.

On the doomed ship with R2 is C-3PO, a protocol droid fluent in over six million forms of communication and preoccupied with etiquette (he’d fit in at my job in the wedding industry, I’ll tell ya that much).

Being a robot I’m sure C-3PO has little need for shoes, however, I’m sure he wouldn’t be so rude as to tell me so when I try to put him in a pair of Miu Miu platform peep toe pumps.

R2D2 and C-3PO defy all odds and flee the attackers in an escape pod and land in Tunisia on the desert planet, Tatooine. It is here that our droid friends meet Luke Skywalker after being sold by Jawa traders to his Uncle Owen.

Luke’s not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I wouldn’t expect him to wear anything much more interesting than a pair of desert boots much like these Bailey Chukkas from Frye.

While cleaning the droids Luke manages to access part of the holographic message meant for Obi Wan, but the only Kenobi he knows is “old Ben Kenobi.” R2D2 leaves to find Obi Wan (Ben) Kenobi and Luke and C-3PO take off to find him.

Long story short they all find Obi Wan Kenobi, turns out the geezer is a Jedi Knight in exile and they all skip off merrily to go save the princess, deliver the death star plan to the rebels and generally save the world (despite the fact that they are a whiny teenager, an old fart, and two robots).

They may have all the good hero-y intentions in the world but what they don’t have is a spaceship. Luke’s aunt and uncle die at some point and no one really cares.

So, deeply saddened for all of five seconds over their deaths the group wanders off to Mos Eisley Cantina to find hookers a pilot who they can pay to take them to Alderaan to take the Death Star plans to Leia’s father, District Attorney Miguel Prado Bail Organa.

At the Cantina they meet Han Solo, a pilot with his own ship, the Millennium Falcon which can make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. This is incredibly impressive when you take into account that a parsec is a unit of distance and not time. This means that the Millennium Falcon is SO AWESOME regular physics need not apply.

I forgot for a minute that this is a shoe blog, forgive me. Han Solo would so be wearing a ruggedly classic Frye Harness Boot.

Han Solo is with his hairy sidekick, Chewbacca, a wookie most known for his contributions to legal strategy.

In retrospect, I’m not sure these Marni Shearling Trimmed Knee Boots are appropriate for Chewy, they’re a bit more wampa-looking no?

Moving on. Han Solo is a smuggler and he is wanted by Jabba the Hutt.

Jabba the Hutt is big, ugly and shapeless. Look, Uggs.  Jabba has a bounty out on Han Solo for an unpaid debt.

The Bounty Hunter, Boba Fett is hot on Han’s tail.

Sigh, you can thank all the fanboys for Fett’s inclusion in the movies. Apparently his action figure sold really well.  Thanks fanboys! Hopefully these wedge pumps from Celine make up for his inclusion in this post.

Desperate for money to pay his debt to Jabba the Hutt, Han agrees to take the whiny teen, the geezer, and the two robots to Alderaan (spoiler alert, Alderaan went KABOOM), and so begins the epic adventure of Star Wars.

I need a drink.  See you at the Cantina!

No comments:

Post a Comment